Are you finding it a bit tricky to connect with your child lately? Don't worry; you're not alone. We've all been through those moments when it seems like you and your child are speaking different languages, and whatever you say, it just doesn't land right – or, let's be honest, it sometimes ends up annoying or frustrating your child even more.
Well, here’s a little nugget of wisdom I came across in Mark Finnis' insightful book, "Restorative Practice" that I believe can be a game-changer, at home as well as school. It's called ‘connect before content,’ and it's pretty much as straightforward as it sounds.
What is it?
So, what is it? It's all about making sure you've got a healthy reserve of positive connections between you and your child before you dive into any conversations that might not be received without confrontation.
If you're stuck in a rut, battling with constant bickering and disagreements, it may be time to consider building up that connection reserve. Depending on your child's age, this could take many forms – from little chats and watching TV together to even cooking dinner side by side.
Recognise this?
Your child's shoes and coat are casually strewn by the door, socks are taking up residence on the sofa, and there's a smattering of crumbs all over the kitchen counter (Sound familiar, or is it just my house?).
Every fibre of your being might be screaming to yell something like, "What did your last servant die of?" or "Can't anyone in this house do anything right?" Believe me, I've been there too! But what's the result of such outbursts? Raised eyebrows, resentful shuffling to clean up, and muttered comments like, "Mum's in one of her moods again".
Why not give "connect before content" a try?
Here's how it works: Start with a friendly greeting, something like, "Hi, had a good day at school? What was the best part?" And you might even have a quick hug or a put a hand on their shoulder – something that shows you've truly listened and heard them during your conversation.
THEN, using your calmest and most direct approach, address the issue: "I've noticed you left some things on the floor. Can you take care of that now thank you." And then walk away.
So why does this work? Well, sticking to the facts rather than making an emotional response keeps things balanced, and removes generalisations (which none of us like). Using a calm voice shows that you're invested in your relationship and simply stating a friendly reminder of family expectations. Saying "thank you" instead of "please" implies that it's already done; you trust your child. And by walking away, you provide take up time, space for you both, AND you won't see those raised eyebrows!
It's a win-win!
So, next time you find yourself in a situation that could lead to frustration, perhaps have a go at "connect before content." It might lead to smoother interactions and stronger connections with your kids.
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